Pensive

“Breathe in”….Shnnn….. “breathe out”…..whoooossh….. “deeper breaths”……shnnnnnnnnnn…….. “hold your breath” ….. Head-rush …. “let it out slowly” ……. Whhoooooooosshh “concentrate. If you concentrate hard enough you’ll be able to hear your heart beat. Let your self lose…. your too stiff…. Concentrate”

The multiple instructions weren’t making the job exactly easy. Not only can I not concentrate but all the trying just made me nauseous. It also gave me a splitting headache.

“Concentrate on a point between your eyes” the yoga instructor voice rang through my ears. But which point to concentrate on. There were so many points in between my closed eyelids which were the sole result of all the concentration.

“loosen your body. You’ll feel calm” she persuaded on. I had no idea how to loosen up. I was concentrating on my breathing. I took a long breath in… held it a moment…. let t it out slowly. The result was a long raspy let out of air through my nose. Why was it so difficult? Wasn’t breathing the simplest and most natural thing to do? The only thing that man knows with out learning it! And yet hear was I trying to learning it and apparently doing a bad job at it. With every breath I took instead of calming myself my heartbeat raced and I felt that I had just ran a mile or a cute guy had just given me a BSAAW ‘big-smile-and-a-wink’. I thoroughly regretted my decision of joining yoga classes. The only reason I had done so was to help myself concentrate in my studies and maintain a so called equilibrium with my body and mind and all that the yoga instructor had promised us to get. Already three classes had come and gone and I felt exactly, if not worst for putting so much money in learning yoga, like before I joined the classes.

“Empty your mind of all thoughts” the instructor went on with out consideration. How was I supposed to do that?! Try by stop talking in your mind. That would be a start. This contradicting thought hit me so suddenly that I let out a loud laugh. But only before I realized that I couldn’t do so in yoga class. To hide my laughter I faked a cough. The resultant was that I succeeded in steering half the class off their concentration.

After a few unsettling moment and stern glares from my instructor that cleared all doubts in my acting ability, I settled down and resumed my task of breathing. The unsettling moment had some how relieved my stress and breathing was easy. I almost felt calm. Then came my instructor’s voice “Concentrate” and I knew somehow even with my eyes closed the remark was pointed towards me in a subtle attempt to rebuke me. So I did. Concentrate I mean. And then started all my previous problems over all again. My breaths came raspy and uneven and my heart race violent. There was no rhythm in my breaths as my instructor said there should be.

Then some thing happened…

“Try not to concentrate so much. I can actually see the nerves on your forehead. Relax” Huh? That was not my instructor’s voice. This voice was much calmer, softer and mature. I opened my one eye to peak as to who dared to talk in yoga class except the instructor and disturb the silence. But now that I wasn’t trying to concentrate on my breathing I realized that the room wasn’t exactly silent. When the instructor was silent the room was filled with un-rhythmic intake and let out of breaths of my classmates. I also realized that I was not the only one whose breaths were raspy. Some were even worst. That gave me such a relief. I finally saw who the voice belonged to. He must be 60 or so years old, a scrawny man but with a calm face and calm demeanor, almost as calm as his voice. In fact every thing about him was calm. Looking at him some how calmed me. He had bright eye though grey with age. I realized I was staring at him but I didn’t look away. He however didn’t seem to realize it or at least didn’t mind it. He again talked to me softly as I acknowledged him.

“You are trying too hard. Don’t concentrate so hard.”

“But the instructor said to concentrate.”

“Well the instructor is not really doing a good job then” That almost made me smile. He smiled too and urged me again “Just breath as you simply would. Don’t think about breathing. Breathing itself becomes a task if you concentrate on it. Instead think about some place that makes you feel good, like mountains, beaches…”

Yeah right now I was getting instructions from an old person I hardly know.

“I know I have no right to tell you. But I got old with experience. It is a package that comes free with old age.” And he smiled. Does he read minds?

“No one can read minds.” That took me back completely “Huh!”

“But one can read faces.” Does my face show all that much?

“People can only hide and mend the expressions on their face when they are aware and prepared. But no one is prepared all the time.” He was really freaking me out now.

“Listen to me. Think about some place you feel calm and comfortable.” I did listen to him. I thought of what place made me feel comfortable. Many suggestions sprang in my mind. Mountains, trees, grassy bed… then a picture rose in front of my closed eyes, a picture from one of the chapters from my 10^th grade English study book. An image of a boy lying on his back below a growing cherry tree, looking up at the sky through a leaves of the small tree, seeing it move ever so slightly in the wind, feeling the contrasting feel of light breeze and soft sunrays that dare to pass through the leaves of the cherry tree. I imagined myself in place of the boy. And guess what for first time in three classes I actually felt calm and gone to another place. A place that I had only formed through the writer Ruskin Bond’s writing and made it in to a place so real.

I realized something that day. If you try too much and too hard to achieve something, it will come to you eventually. But it might not always be worth the effort. Instead sometimes it is better to let it go and let it come to you on its own accord.

A Vanity Fair

Well what can I say my story always starts with my growing up days. They were difficult and my parents didn’t do much to help it either. Now don’t get me wrong I absolutely love my parents. They weren’t the most perfect parents but they did all in their capacity to be one. Thought it was precisely this factor that made them not so perfect. But they did good. I’m well off at least till now though I’m still living on their bread.

But it is not that what is I’m here to tell about. It is the fact that growing up wasn’t easy for me. I wasn’t the most accepted person in a group and I only had a few good friends which I’m proud to say are still my good friend till today though a few are long distance relationships now. But I never really made good friends after that for a few years since. It was in this period of time that I thought that making friends was all about looking good to people. Though I still cherish the idea my perspective is changed a bit.

Then it was about how I look. Face! It is all that mattered. You look good you make friends. Hence whichever friends I made then only lasted a year or so and now I know that it was because they shared the same view as me. I am not proud about thinking so, but I was insecure and vulnerable then and well wasn’t that good looking. I was stubby child with thick glasses and carried a very nerdy look as you can well imagine. But I see now that not much has changed from then and now. I’m still that insecure, vulnerable, not so stubby girl with not so thick glasses.

And though it is not about looking very attractive anymore it is still about looking good. It is about poise. It is about communicating at a comfortable level. And about thing that I just cannot seem to do. Yes I do have a very few good friends still it is because I can be myself with them and they can be themselves with me. But with the world outside mine I’m still trying in vain to fit in. It is but a continuous pursuit to fit in this Vanity Fair.

Log entry 24, 25 Jan 2008

Log entry - January 25, 2008

Fact of life: It doesn’t forget to give you certain unforeseen shocks now and then.

Things I learned today:
1) “I was seldom able to see an opportunity until it had ceased to be one.” - Mark Twain.
2) When good things do cross your way out of the blue, do not lose an opportunity to enjoy them in full. You don’t know when they might come to you again.
3) It is only in difficult times that you realize how selfish you can be.
4) People that are elder to you in age and those whom you work for have an advantage of our respect and fear, respectively, to make us do their in convenient duties (in other words to clean up the mess they had created.)

Log entry - January 24, 2008

Fact of life: Life gets difficult everyday.

Things I learned today:
1) The person that gives you hard times at work place will make sure he does it everyday. That person is normally your boss.
2) If he promises you a certain challenging work besides tolerating him, he makes sure you remember, “Promises are meant to be broken.”
Just goes to prove that Oscar Wilde was right in saying, “The only way I can keep a promise is by not giving one.”

January 23, 2008

Fact of life: Life is difficult.

Things I learned today:
1) Things don’t come easily in life. But if they do the 1st time, it does not mean that they will the next time. It just means that first time you were lucky.
2) Where as “Patience” comes in abundance, especially in banks.
3) It is not always that the same person will give you hard time at work place.
There are others.


My motto of life: SSDD: Same shit, different day.

Just a situation

Just think about such a situation...

One blow, momentary blackness, splitting headache, persistent bump and a threatening scare is enough to show the sinister side of too much usage of cell phones. Especially when you walk straight into the wall without ever intending to do so. Oh and don’t forget to count in the complete sabotage to dignity when such an act is witnessed by populace. All this! just because of the wonders of instant messaging service.
Oh don’t worry none of this has happened with me but does not mean it can’t happen. And considering the feasibility of the situation, in some cases, such an incident most likely has already happened.

My encounter with the rat kind...

Rodent especially rat are the most unlikely beings on this earth that I ever will like. And from my experience with them you definitely can’t blame for not liking them and their kind. First of all they are messy and cause the most population. Did you know that the ratio of rats to a person is almost 3:1? Which means that for every person on this earth there are three rats. Which also means that rat population is thrice as much. Just thinking about them gives me the creeps.
Second of all, I don’t think they are as intelligent as they are portrayed in movies (specifically in Mouse Hunt). Because if they were smart they wouldn’t just walk in the traps as they usually do. Well some might turn up to be exceptions.
Thirdly they really don’t like us. I can’t blame. The feeling is mutual. But as I said there are exceptions because my mother had taken liking for this small rat, who apparently had taken liking for Complan-the energy booster (milk mix). But still it had to go. It died because its head got caught in the trap. Not a pretty site at all. Can you imagine my mother also shed a few tears for it? Well my mother can be very sentimental.
In our religion it is bad omen to kill a rat. Since it is supposed to be our God’s pet. (In reality a rat is supposed to be the vehicle of Lord Ganesha.) I must say (though I didn’t believe in the omen stuff) it did turn out to be a bad omen for my brother, who killed a rat that had taken residence in our attic. It turned out that this rat had a partner (spouse I suppose) who took his vengeance against my brother by chewing off the wire of the keyboard of his computer and completely disabling the speakers before dying. And the latest foolishness of the ratkind was when it took swimming, for a change, in a bucket of water as early as four in the morning, without taking prior lessons. What did it think itself to be - a dog? The idiot made it easy for us to flush it down the toilet.

My Great Escape…

My Great Escape…

Someone (now I don’t remember who) once said that to become a good writer you should always write what you see and experience. So here’s what I have experienced. I’ll call it more like sharing a good tip.

I was already very late for my classes. And since I just had been through an awful examination, the experience of which still painfully lingered on my mind, I could not accept any more unpleasant delays. So I had to run and board the first train that arrived on the platform at all costs. Well, I had thought “all costs” before I intentionally got on the first class coach but I guess I hadn’t given it a literal thought.
Here’s what actually happened, and a good a tip to all readers, for when you’re in as desperate situation as I was when the T.C unpleasantly welcomed me on board.

Here is what you should do (and I did) when the T.C. (from here forth referred to as ‘ “IT”- the monster’.)
Firstly: Don’t fumble in your bag much. Just make sure you at least have your second-class pass (No that does not help much. May be just a little.)
Secondly: Look for the moment when “it” is trying to catch another person who is in same situation as you are (though a bit more worst might help a lot). And if you cannot find such a situation then, God Help You!
Now this is the most important part - Grab the moment to show “it” your (Second-class) train pass.
Lastly: While doing so hold your pass in the way that would exactly cover the letters second-class on your pass. (It would help a lot if your destination is near.)
And if the probability for the odd happening (which wholly depends on your luck) is high i.e. if you are lucky enough and everything goes as per above, you might even walk off without being caught, just like I did.

Disclaimer: The above is not purely fiction. But if you want, or as the case might be, have to employ the above tip for real, the above all the conditions to the situation must be true, for you to successfully come out of “the situation” without suffering a financial loss.