A ray of light…

Like a ray of light through dark rain clouds, the best part of my whole tiring day was my visit to my school. Well when we are in school we never really realize its importance to us. And I don’t mean it in the way by imparting-education-which-helps-us-in-life-ahead-of-school. No not that way, however true it maybe. But I mean it emotionally. It is the place where you belong, where you can relate to, to which you can look back. Now I know you must have heard this a lot many times and I really can’t hold you guilty for being bored. But if you have to decide…

This is the day when I had to go to school to get some documents attested. Frankly speaking I was really nervous and excited. The person who was in my school and knew Lorna Demello only would understand why. As I entered my schools vicinity I was welcome with a welcoming smile from one of my teachers, Arpita teacher to be specific. Which helped to perk me up a bit. And as I entered the premises I was really welcome to my school by a clerk Satish mama’s warm, hearty, joking laugh.

But it was just not him, all the staff from my school recognized me. It was really a welcome to me. And the best part was that I didn’t even have to meet Lorna Demello, teacher, though I would have mind it after that.

After that though my whole day was really hectic and really, really tiring, I think the nostalgic memories kept me going on.

It just makes me laugh and now a little embarrassed, when I think about the time, I had once said to my friend. I was really enraged at my school’s inhumanity to call us all early at 7.00 am to give our respects to the national flag on the Independence Day. I said, to quote in my exact words “I so hate this school. Calling us so early in the morning! What do they think they are going to achieve? When I get out of here forever I’m never going to look back! Oh I can’t wait to get out of school and go to college!”

My friend totally agreed with me. Now I could easily give a good reason that I was groggy and infuriated. But that would just be a totally childish and relatively ignorant reason.

Today I don’t know about her but I know that now I regret saying it. Cause I know the only truth is when I look back after a long, hard, tiring, day, when I’m totally void of any strength, the only thing that really makes me smile is the smiles on familiar faces from school, my school.

Life or something like that!

It has happened yet again! I can’t believe it! It has been happening a lot these days. Again here I am slouched on my couch surfing the idiot box called “Television” (expressed by some as a visionary accomplishment of “man”. Till now I must have gone through all ninety-nine channels at least twice and yet could not find any program that could retain my eyes more than a minute. Actually the radiation from the screen is starting to hurt my eyes. Now for the third time I have switch to channel 66 ‘The History channel’ a discovery of ‘The Discovery channel’. I don’t know what they are showing but I can see lady dressed in the late 50’s style drinking what I assume to be tea. Hmm, that makes me wonder how can she drink with her lips so tightly pursed, a mystery that is difficult for me to decipher.

I finally decided to settle down with “The Gossip Girl”, watching it again for the second time in two days. Hey I’m not saying that I don’t enjoy the program. It is, I must say quite enlightening as to the lifestyles of uptown New Yorker’s. (Especially the hot guys they feature)

It is Saturday and I can’t believe that I have spent all my day just reading and sleeping. Though I didn’t have any plans for today (not that I always have any) I still sometimes end up doing something good and almost worthwhile but most of the time just doing exactly that I did today – nothing! Is my life ever going go past reading and sleeping all Saturday?

But I guess right now and for sometime hence the above question is just rhetorical.

Hence I sit down with yet another ‘visionary accomplishment of man’ and decide to type my emotions out on the very MS word, a savior of the bored.

It may seem that I’m droning and that I don’t enjoy my life at all, well though it is true up to some degree, it is not entirely that way. I just had the best Diwali ever in past 7 years. And not only that, but after three days of complete contentment of the vagabond side of mine, I had yet another opportunity to spend the day with my closest family members in a days trip to a temple. We did what all families tend to do on such a day picnic – traveling, taking photos in my not-so-newly acquired digital camera, which is one of my treasures, made fun of each other, discussion (especially it was most apparent in between my mother and my aunt. They were so involved in their conversation, both talking at the same time that I completely lost track of the subject, not that I bothered to keep update with them). The above all activities also include getting us completely tired by the end of the day.

However fun the trip/ trips might be in times to come you tend to forget all that. It is the same reason why I chose to put it in words (thought I cannot put everything in word. I guess some emotions are best left unexpressed.), so that whenever I look back, at times I’m sad or otherwise, I have an opportunity to remember and get contentment, however momentary it might be!

Pensive

“Breathe in”….Shnnn….. “breathe out”…..whoooossh….. “deeper breaths”……shnnnnnnnnnn…….. “hold your breath” ….. Head-rush …. “let it out slowly” ……. Whhoooooooosshh “concentrate. If you concentrate hard enough you’ll be able to hear your heart beat. Let your self lose…. your too stiff…. Concentrate”

The multiple instructions weren’t making the job exactly easy. Not only can I not concentrate but all the trying just made me nauseous. It also gave me a splitting headache.

“Concentrate on a point between your eyes” the yoga instructor voice rang through my ears. But which point to concentrate on. There were so many points in between my closed eyelids which were the sole result of all the concentration.

“loosen your body. You’ll feel calm” she persuaded on. I had no idea how to loosen up. I was concentrating on my breathing. I took a long breath in… held it a moment…. let t it out slowly. The result was a long raspy let out of air through my nose. Why was it so difficult? Wasn’t breathing the simplest and most natural thing to do? The only thing that man knows with out learning it! And yet hear was I trying to learning it and apparently doing a bad job at it. With every breath I took instead of calming myself my heartbeat raced and I felt that I had just ran a mile or a cute guy had just given me a BSAAW ‘big-smile-and-a-wink’. I thoroughly regretted my decision of joining yoga classes. The only reason I had done so was to help myself concentrate in my studies and maintain a so called equilibrium with my body and mind and all that the yoga instructor had promised us to get. Already three classes had come and gone and I felt exactly, if not worst for putting so much money in learning yoga, like before I joined the classes.

“Empty your mind of all thoughts” the instructor went on with out consideration. How was I supposed to do that?! Try by stop talking in your mind. That would be a start. This contradicting thought hit me so suddenly that I let out a loud laugh. But only before I realized that I couldn’t do so in yoga class. To hide my laughter I faked a cough. The resultant was that I succeeded in steering half the class off their concentration.

After a few unsettling moment and stern glares from my instructor that cleared all doubts in my acting ability, I settled down and resumed my task of breathing. The unsettling moment had some how relieved my stress and breathing was easy. I almost felt calm. Then came my instructor’s voice “Concentrate” and I knew somehow even with my eyes closed the remark was pointed towards me in a subtle attempt to rebuke me. So I did. Concentrate I mean. And then started all my previous problems over all again. My breaths came raspy and uneven and my heart race violent. There was no rhythm in my breaths as my instructor said there should be.

Then some thing happened…

“Try not to concentrate so much. I can actually see the nerves on your forehead. Relax” Huh? That was not my instructor’s voice. This voice was much calmer, softer and mature. I opened my one eye to peak as to who dared to talk in yoga class except the instructor and disturb the silence. But now that I wasn’t trying to concentrate on my breathing I realized that the room wasn’t exactly silent. When the instructor was silent the room was filled with un-rhythmic intake and let out of breaths of my classmates. I also realized that I was not the only one whose breaths were raspy. Some were even worst. That gave me such a relief. I finally saw who the voice belonged to. He must be 60 or so years old, a scrawny man but with a calm face and calm demeanor, almost as calm as his voice. In fact every thing about him was calm. Looking at him some how calmed me. He had bright eye though grey with age. I realized I was staring at him but I didn’t look away. He however didn’t seem to realize it or at least didn’t mind it. He again talked to me softly as I acknowledged him.

“You are trying too hard. Don’t concentrate so hard.”

“But the instructor said to concentrate.”

“Well the instructor is not really doing a good job then” That almost made me smile. He smiled too and urged me again “Just breath as you simply would. Don’t think about breathing. Breathing itself becomes a task if you concentrate on it. Instead think about some place that makes you feel good, like mountains, beaches…”

Yeah right now I was getting instructions from an old person I hardly know.

“I know I have no right to tell you. But I got old with experience. It is a package that comes free with old age.” And he smiled. Does he read minds?

“No one can read minds.” That took me back completely “Huh!”

“But one can read faces.” Does my face show all that much?

“People can only hide and mend the expressions on their face when they are aware and prepared. But no one is prepared all the time.” He was really freaking me out now.

“Listen to me. Think about some place you feel calm and comfortable.” I did listen to him. I thought of what place made me feel comfortable. Many suggestions sprang in my mind. Mountains, trees, grassy bed… then a picture rose in front of my closed eyes, a picture from one of the chapters from my 10^th grade English study book. An image of a boy lying on his back below a growing cherry tree, looking up at the sky through a leaves of the small tree, seeing it move ever so slightly in the wind, feeling the contrasting feel of light breeze and soft sunrays that dare to pass through the leaves of the cherry tree. I imagined myself in place of the boy. And guess what for first time in three classes I actually felt calm and gone to another place. A place that I had only formed through the writer Ruskin Bond’s writing and made it in to a place so real.

I realized something that day. If you try too much and too hard to achieve something, it will come to you eventually. But it might not always be worth the effort. Instead sometimes it is better to let it go and let it come to you on its own accord.